ANGEL

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

 

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Rajesh married to Sunita and have a 3-year old son Ritesh. We shall see the labyrinth of interaction between the two in the descending order. Rajesh : "Sunita, I am telling you the truth. I really had some important meeting in my office." Sunita : "Just shut up okay. All men are the same, all are liars. Rajesh : "I am not lying. You can ask my colleague if you want to. Sunita : "Yeah, right ! Now I have to waste my time and energy talking to your boring ill-mannered friends of yours!" Rajesh : "Sunita, please calm down." Sunita : You, your parents and your immature son will not let me live my life!" Rajesh : "Why do you always have to talk like that about my parents?" Sunita : "Oh yes, I forgot, I forgot that you have sold off your soul to them." Rajesh : "Sunita, please, they might hear what you are saying. Ritesh also will hear that we are fighting. " Sunita : "Oh yeah, so now I am fighting. You never fight at all. You are the greatest saint of the world, right? Besides, I don't care who hears it. Let them hear what I say. They must know what kind of person you are." Rajesh : "Fine, fine, my mistake. Now please don't say anything. Just calm down. There was an important meeting and I got late." Sunita : "Then why do you even have to come late? You should have come tomorrow directly. I am just living like a slave in this house. I have become just a pathetic housewife. And your parents are lazing around the whole day. They have nothing to do." Rajesh : "What are you saying? Who is treating you as a slave? You can do anything you want. You said you don't want to do any housework, I agree and we hired - not one but two maid servants. You said you want to invest money in the stock market. I gave it to you but you lost everything and still I didn't say anything to you. I am still giving you money to invest in the stock market. Now what more you want me to do?" Sunita : "Why don't you just tell your parents to leave my house? I just don't like their presence. And I also don't like Ritesh being close to them. They are going to spoil him with their ancient teachings." Rajesh : "Sunita, it is their house. The house is not even in my name. Besides, they are not bothering you at all. And Ritesh is going to learn a lot from his grandparents." Sunita : "Bullshit!"   Three Years earlier Rajesh : "I don't believe you are pregnant. I am so happy. Great. I am going to be a father."

Sunita : "I am also happy. You are going to be a father."

Rajesh : "What do you think what name we should give to our son?"

Sunita : "I like Ritesh."

Rajesh : "Ritesh is okay name. I like Sunesh. Sun from Sunita and Esh from Rajesh. What do you think?"

Sunita : "That's a lousy name. I don't like that. Ritesh is the best."

Rajesh : " Okay, we will ask our parents."

Sunita : "Okay, but I know everybody will like Sunesh only. But I don't care. My son's name will be Ritesh and that's final."

Rajesh : "Okay darling. Whatever you wish."

Sunita : "I am not going to thank you for it."

Rajesh : "It is going to be so nice. Our son will play around with his grandparents."

Sunita : "Yes, Ritesh will be lucky to have his grandparents."

Rajesh : "He is going to call me daddy daddy."

Sunita : "So what ? He is going to call me mummy mummy. And you should know mummy is the best, not a father."

Rajesh : "Whatever you think Sunita."

Sunita : "What do you mean by that ? Am I wrong?"

Rajesh : "No, not at all. Mummy is stronger than the daddy, okay, happy now?"

Sunita : "Shut up and get me a glass of water, you lazy daddy."

 

Two Years Earlier

Sunita : "I love you Rajesh. Tell me you are never going to leave me alone."

Rajesh : "I never will. Trust me."

Sunita : "I promise I will never fight or even argue with you. Whatever you say, I will do it."

Rajesh : "And whatever you say, I will do it too."

Sunita : "Your parents are so nice. They are so experienced and so friendly. They have never treated me as an outsider. They treat me as their own daughter."

Rajesh : "I am glad you like my parents."

Sunita : "Don't worry Rajesh. I will always like and support your parents for life."

Rajesh : "Would you continue your career or would like to become a housewife?"

Sunita : "Of course a housewife. I don't want to pursue my career. I just want to take good care of my family."

Rajesh : "I mean you can surely do whatever you want to anytime. In my house there is no restriction at all."

Sunita : "I know, but I will always remain a nice housewife. Besides, being a housewife is actually a privilege and not some slavery as some women say. I will do all the housework and won't let you or your parents do any work in the house at all."

Rajesh : "I am always going to stand by you Sunita."

Sunita : "I will always love you from the bottom of my heart. I will never hurt you. Never."

Well, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. You decide which one is which.

I think Marriage institution is Good.
What we make out of Marriage is Bad.
And our ignorance and mistakes are Ugly.

 

Coincidence

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.


The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"


He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."


"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.


"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"


"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"


"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."


"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"


"I switched cocks," he replied.


" What a coincidence," she said

 

Married people sense of Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
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Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes and no.'
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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.  Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any
worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
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Father to son after exam: 'Let me see your report card.'
Son: 'My friend just borrowed it.  He wants to scare his parents.'
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I will be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or …?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor'

 

GOOD DEFINITIONS - FUNNY

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through 'the minds of either'
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.  
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death  

Malayalees Blood

A Sheikh was admitted at the  LilavatiHospital in Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case  the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found  locally. So the call went out to a number of countries.

Finally a  malayalee named Rajappan was located who had a  similar type of blood.
Rajappan willingly donated his blood  for the Sheikh.
After the surgery, the Sheikh sent Rajappan as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Toyota Prado, diamonds, lapiz  lazuri jewellery, and a Million Dinars.

Once again the Sheikh had to go  through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned Rajappan who was more than happy to donate  his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Sheikh sent Rajappan a thank you card and a  jar of Almond halwa sweets.

Rajappan was shocked to see that the  Sheikh this time did not reciprocate Rajappan's kind gesture as he had  anticipated.

He phoned the Sheikh and said 'This  time also I thought that you would give me Toyota Prado, Diamonds and  Jewellery....  
But you gave only a thank you card and a jar of Almond  sweets.

At this the Sheikh replied:

' Mone Rajappa...now I have a  malayalee's blood in my veins!'

 

12 Facts About PIZZA

12 Facts About PIZZA

 

Just hearing the word "pizza" brings a smile to the face of just about every American. Whatever style or variety -- from thick, Chicago-style deep-dish pizza stuffed with gobs of cheese, sausage, and pepperoni to a thin-as-a-cracker crust topped with veggies -- pizza invariably makes it to the top of "favorite food" lists. Here, we've compiled a list of fun and interesting facts about this American food icon. See how many you knew! Pizza is one of the most popular foods in the United States. 1. Since 1987, October has been officially designated National Pizza Month in the United States. 2. Approximately three billion pizzas are sold in the United States every year, plus an additional one billion frozen pizzas. 3. Pizza is a $30 billion industry in the United States. 4. Pizzerias represent 17 percent of all U.S. restaurants. 5. Ninety-three percent of Americans eat pizza at least once a month. 6. Women are twice as likely as men to order vegetarian toppings on their pizza. 7. About 36 percent of all pizzas contain pepperoni, making it the most popular topping in the United States. 8. The first known pizzeria, Antica Pizzeria, opened in Naples, Italy, in 1738. 9. More pizza is consumed during the week of the Super Bowl than any other time of the year. 10. On average, each person in the United States eats around 23 pounds of pizza every year. 11. The first pizzeria in the United States was opened by Gennaro Lombardi in 1895 in New York City. 12. The record for the world's largest pizza depends on how you slice it. According to Guinness World Records, the record for the world's largest circular pizza was set at Norwood Hypermarket in South Africa in 1990. The gigantic pie measured 122 feet 8 inches across, weighed 26,883 pounds, and contained 9,920 pounds of flour, 3,968 pounds of cheese, and 1,984 pounds of sauce. In 2005, the record for the world's largest rectangular pizza was set in Iowa Falls, Iowa. Pizza restaurant owner Bill Bahr and a team of 200 helpers created the 129 X 98.6-foot pizza from 4,000 pounds of cheese, 700 pounds of sauce, and 9,500 sections of crust. The enormous pie was enough to feed the town's 5,200 residents ten slices of pizza each.

 

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